I'm going to share my term 4 week 1 hotspot. For hotspot this week we have to make this sentence: My shoes were soaked and the rain wouldn’t stop. A grey car I didn’t recognize pulled up beside me into a 100 word paragraph or something close to that.
Also this is what we are learning to do:
- Use strong ideas when writing.
- Eliminate unnecessary ideas and words.
- Only include what is powerful, meaningful and important.
This is my one
This sucks, my shoes was soaked and it was pouring. As I ran to my school a gary van screeched and stop by me. The man in the gary van looked like he was disillusioned. “get in the van you’ll catch a cold” he said with a phony smile.
I replied “no need am Already near my school but I thank you anyway”
He said again “get in”
I replied “no”
then a man came out of the van. He started to walk towards me. I stepped backwards but then I slipped on a Banana peel and kicked him in the place I don’t want to think about. The man dropped on the ground like a bag full of rocks. I got up and ran to school.
Can you give me feedback to make this better?
Hi Ken.
ReplyDeleteI love your use of similies (bag of rocks).
I would love you to recheck your tenses. For example the sentence: As I ran to my school a gary van screeched and stop by me. Feel free to check with me if you are unsure,
Keri
Hi Ken, I like your 100 words term 4 hotspot. You written a great writing and it looks life you didn't stuggle like me. Your one just need to take out the unnecessary caps like. "Already" Next time check if you have unnecessary caps in your writing and you'll make it better.
ReplyDeleteSincerely Aaron
Hello Ken.The last part of your writing gave me a giggle.You have written a good story.Maybe next time you could re-read your work before posting.'My shoes was' should be 'My shoes were'.I look forward to more of your work.
ReplyDelete